To forgive. This is what every religion in our society teaches its followers. Two current dictionaries provide the following definitions.
The Oxford Online English Dictionary defines forgive as follows.
“To stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw or mistake, or to cancel a debt.”
The Wikipedia Online Dictionary offers the following definition. “The process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”
Here is what a few notable individuals in our society have had to say about forgiveness or the steps they took to extend it.
In his book , The Seat of the Soul, author Gary Zukav had this to say about forgiveness:
“Forgiveness means that you do not carry the baggage of an experience. Forgiveness means that you do not hold others responsible for your experiences. When you forgive you release critical judgment of yourself as well as of others. You lighten up.”
Mahatma Ghandi offered this opinion about forgiveness:
“Forgiveness is a quality of the soul, and therefore, a positive quality”.
June Hunt, who hosts the long-running radio broadcast, Hope In The Night, wrote a book about the positive and liberating effects of forgiveness entitled, “How To Forgive...When You Don’t Feel Like It.”
The globally known song, Amazing Grace, was adapted from a hymn authored by English poet and clergyman, John Newton in 1779. The hymn, penned by Newton, contains a message that forgiveness and redemption are possible for all those who have wronged or harmed others. In his early adult years, Newton participated in the maritime slave trade. In the midst of a harrowing storm upon the high seas, with his ship in danger of capsizing and sinking, Newton prayed for forgiveness and redemption for all of his sins and transgressions. Thereafter, Newton felt as if a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders. God, in Newton’s eyes, had forgiven him for his sins and mistreatment of others.
To forgive but not forget?
Many folks take a stab at forgiving in this fashion. Call it forgiving with a booby trap. They convey that they are no longer sore or angry over the offense, and they accept your apology, but, they want you to know that you are still not off the hook because they will never, ever forget the incident.
One example here might sound like this.
“We’ll, I sat down with Uncle Harry and told him to his face that I have forgiven him for breaking my heirloom porcelain serving tray; the one that belonged to my great grandmother. Told him that I accepted his apology from 3 years back, but that forgetting it was out of the question.”
Another example might be this one.
“My husband went out shopping at the mall in my new BMW. He wrecked it on the way home after running a stop sign. It took me 10 years of saving up for the down payment on that car. That was my dream car. I have told him that I forgave him, but I damn well won’t forget it!”
Finally, one more example might sound like this one.
“Joey stole my new bicycle when we were both just 10 years old. 3 days later, his mother made him bring the bike back to me and apologize to me and my parents. Dad made me accept his apology and forgive him, but I never really did. For the next 10 years, anytime I saw Joey, I made it a point of telling whomever was nearby, there goes Joey, the bike stealer.”
In the examples here, true forgiveness is not being offered. What is being extended is another attempt to manipulate the feelings of the alleged wrongdoer. The one who is forgiving , by not forgetting the situation, is telling the other party, they are still interested in obtaining their pound of flesh; that an indeterminate grudge is still being held. The bonfire of pain, anger and resentment continues to be stoked and maintained.
Why should I choose to forgive those who have wronged me?, you say.
I suggest three reasons for committing to this particular choice.
First, it has a restorative effect upon my sense of well being. I have made the willful decision to stop letting a circumstance of the past dictate how I conduct myself in the present moment as well as the future. I liken it to removing a blacksmith’s anvil out of my hiker’s backpack. Imagine how much easier my climbing pace and posture will be!
Second, it ends the feeling of pain; very much like the removal of a pesky and painful deep wood sliver. The site of the wound always feels so much better a couple of days after draining away the toxin from infection along with the offending foreign object. A transition from a disease state to a state of being at ease.
Third, it empowers and strengthens me. The element of control in my life is restored to me. I made the choice to stop defining how I was living based upon an accident, a crime, or misdeed visited upon me by another. Control over me by some past event, person or circumstance would now be extinguished.
What Forgiveness is not.
Forgiving does not mean that you eagerly choose to renew or strike up a relationship with the person that originally trounced upon your feelings or otherwise victimized you. To forgive does not include sitting down with former offender “to break bread over a meal with them.” You do not have to involve yourself any further, nor in any manner.
To forgive means to let go, put it to rest, and put it behind you. Retake responsibility of your own reactions to circumstance.
Jeff Dodson
October 5th 2010
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