Self-centered. To place the interests of oneself ahead of or above the interests of all others. Me first. I’m doing MY own thing. My quality of life comes FIRST. I need to have MORE possessions around me than anyone else. Just let someone else donate their time to that cause or that person. I’m too busy with my own inviolate priorities. The message we receive on a daily basis throughout our society seems to drive this kind of thinking into everyone.
All of the emotions we have wrapped up with our self-centered attitudes come under fire when we are confronted with having to take on the caregiving responsibilities of another. Call it the big shakeup.
“Aw hell, there goes my life!”, says the voice in your head. “Why the dickens does it have to be me?” then comes next. The thought of making a sacrifice for the benefit of another is a perceived glass of bitter bile for many folks. If the sacrifice involves caring for an elderly parent or relative that you have not had a good relationship with, the stakes go even higher.
So your self-talk goes like this:
“I’ve never gotten along with them, and they never missed a chance to put me down, find fault with what I did or judge me for the worse in other instances. Now they’re looking for someone to provide caregiving to their sorry ass? Not only no, but how bout a HELL NO! to them!”
The choice you are faced with comes down to a simple one. Have a go at caregiving or take a fast hike. The preponderance of folks in our society take the hike. It is not within them, nor are they ready, to step away from egocentric thoughts and activities and embrace the role of a selfless care provider or nurse.
Often times though, the ability to make the choice is not an option. One particular family member might simply wind up being the only one available or on the scene when the caregiving crisis trumpet blares. That was pretty much how it was for me. The dutiful son that had the most frequent and consistent contact with mom & dad. Tag! He’s the one: he’s it now.
Up to that point, I had envisioned and dreamed of the same kind of life as my father and grandfather had. Invest so many decades in the working world, transition into retirement then spend perhaps 15 or 20 good years with my partner enjoying the relaxed pace of a non-working life with a small but comfortable pension. Travelling, hobbies, long walks together and working on the home garden and landscaping.
Well Jeffrey my boy, this was a script that your life was definitely not destined to follow.
A caregiver’s apprenticeship is what’s in store for you. Time to join the 40% of other caregivers in America who are menfolk.
Conscripted into the ranks I went. Reluctant, apprehensive and with a feeling of being gypped out of my me first little realm. Fortunately for me, my relationship with my parents from the time I was small was nothing like the negative examples touched upon above. I was raised within a loving and compassionate household with parents that would give me the shirt off their backs or go hungry if it meant that I would not. It simply came down to reciprocation.
After a couple of years of self righteous indignation, I came to view my circumstance in the following fashion.
The game of life front loads your first 25 to 30 years of existence by providing that you are being cared for and nurtured by your parents. You have no say in the matter, but enjoy all of the up side benefits. Mom & dad do all of the caregiving and delivering on your behalf. They are the givers while you are the receiver.
Fast forward now to the folks in their 70’s and 80’s with all of their emerging aches and disablement's. This is the back side of their life. Here is where you come back into the game for maybe 10 to 15 years. Time for you to provide positive pay back to them for what they did for you all those years ago. Kindness, love and generosity compels the same in return.
No sir, I was not raised to be the son that was going to be viewed as a flake. Time to suck it up and step up on behalf of those that are now in their time of need. Perhaps they come to view you and your actions now as that of a shield and sword wielding centurion, returned to defend his homestead and its elderly occupants? Is that so bad after all? Accept the role, hold high the shield and fill the sandals.
Jeff Dodson
January 17th 2011
Your comments and observations regarding this blog and those before it are welcome and encouraged.
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