This past month, I sat down and contemplated how I have changed as a consequence of my involvement with caregiving. After 6 years of progressively more involved caregiving work, perhaps it was time to take stock of the changes that have taken root with me.
What have I noticed? What has become better? What do I see and feel now that I did not experience before? Have I become a kinder more considerate person? Have I found ways to deal with and purge myself of stress better than I used to? All questions that I pondered then decided upon what the answers might be.
#1 Small irritations & surprises
No longer do I sweat over or allow small irritants or surprises to upset and frustrate me as I once did.
Prior to being engaged actively as a caregiver, I was all about organization, planning and scheduling things out. No surprises or twists for me. Not happy when something went awry or popped up out of the blue. So my easy to reach for emotions included upset, frustration, anger. Then one day it hit me: all of my negative low energy emotions stemmed from allowing situations or events to offend me. I discovered that I could not control what came my way but I could definitely choose to control how I reacted to each of them. I began to let go of the reaction of becoming upset when a situation occured that I did not expect or plan for.
What also helped change my viewpoint was investing time in reading the books of Dr. Wayne Dyer, Gary Zukav and Eckart Tolle.
#2 Taking the time to be grateful
I gradually have come to making it a point to extend my gratitude and Thanks to those around me much more than I ever did before caregiving.
The first place to start of course was with my wife. She always had an edge on me with this kindness. Now, however, after a few years of catching up, I believe we are on par with each other.
Next, I am very grateful to not be suffering from the kinds of physical and mental challenges that our parents are now struggling with. I feel blessed at not feeling the ravages of Alzheimer’s Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis or Diabetes clawing away at my health. One or more of these disease challenges may arrive at my doorstep in the future, however, in the present moment, they are are absent. For this I am grateful.
I am also gainfully employed within the home improvement industry. This provides an income while allowing me time to blog and write firsthand about caregiving and dementia. For this I am grateful.
#3 Noticing the environment & nature
I am more aware of nature and the environment around me. I find myself pausing to observe simple things such as animals, clouds, or noticing the surrounding landscape. The Elk Grove area that my wife and I includes a healthy number of tree-lined parkways and carefully developed natural waterways and wetland creeks. They are the home or frequent visiting place of ducks, geese, cranes, skunks, possum, coyotes and hawks. Much of the animal activity can be observed just a few dozen yards off or many of our local roadways. It is sad that so many of our fellow Elk Grove citizens pay no attention to what is going on in the fields and trees within yards of the roadways that they travel upon.
#4 An appreciation for solitude
I find myself taking the time to notice quiet and silent moments each day. Some folks refer to this kind of solitude as the presence of stillness. Much like what you would experience while hiking through a deep mountain forrest. Time to hear myself think. Better yet, time to hear the whisper of my own inner voice keeping me in alignment with Spirit and what I came here to do (to write and educate others).
So much of our present day lives is subjected to an assault upon the senses from advertising, movies, HDTV, cell phones, I-Pads and social web site drama. People are allowing themselves to being over stimulated, over distracted and overwhelmed. Time to make a break with all of it.
As a kid, I could sit in silence for hours while quietly and methodically assembling and building a scale model car, boat or military vehicle. Transistor radios were in and all the rage back in the 1960’s but I didn’t need or want one. Somehow, over the past 40 years of living, I lost my grasp of how I used to covet quiet time. As a caregiver, it is crucial that you find this kind of environment for yourself. Rediscover quietness, solitude. Find that quiet place in the forrest, at the beach, at your local park or even within your own backyard.
Closely allied with the presence of stillness is the concept of hearing oneself think. Neither will be found when surrounded by an onslaught of noise.
#5 Slow down my pace
Most assuredly I have learned to slow down and pace myself. I no longer endeavor to cram lots of activities or goals all into one hour, one day or one week. Whether most people realize it or not, you reach a point where you can cram your schedule up with so many things that you wind up rendering yourself absolutely ineffective. Working with the disabled elderly such notions as efficiency, promptness, and decisiveness no longer apply.
The measure of accomplishment for an elderly person can often mean the completion of just one task by the end of the day. This is the pace of things at a crawl by the standards of some folks. So be it. Part of working effectively with seniors is getting in step with them and not rushing them. Rushing, pushing or trying to hurry them along creates stress for them and frustration for yourself. Slow down your pace and measure your accomplishments with a newer and shorter yardstick.
#6 Noticing the positive attributes of my wife more
I challenged myself to notice the everyday small kindnesses that my wife extends to me and to others. We’ve been together 20 years. I wouldn’t trade her for anyone. Since taking on our family caregiving duties, Penny and I have made the transition from what some might call a traditional husband and wife marriage partnership into a Spiritual partnership. We act and behave in ways that reinforce the spiritual values that we hold for each other as well as our family and friends. I take delight in leaving her notes of love and kindness, daily words of encouragement and praise, and maybe an awkward amateurish though well intentioned poem once in a while. (Much better at blogging and writing than the subtle and exquisite nuances of poetry).
#7 Taking care of my own health, diet and sleeping requirements
I have come to better appreciate my own relative good health and energy level.
No more fast food. Goodbye to high salt, high fat, and hydrogenated food products.
Hello veggies, fruits, and lots of berries and nuts. Lots of salads. Plenty of chicken and pork in the diet with a lot less beef. A lot less coffee and a lot more water each day. I avoid sodas, sugary drinks, candy and potato chips. I used to LOVE Jimmy Dean Sausage, Mexican Chorizo, as well as steaks and cheese by the ton. Same for Colonel Sanders Kentucky Fried Chicken. Goodbye to all save for a moderate (and essential) intake of cheese!
I have always enjoyed jumping on an opportunity to take a nap when feeling fatigued or run down. Now, as a caregiver sharing the duties of looking out for four aging parents along with their family trusts, finances and property interests requires a prodigious amount of energy and stamina. I grab an afternoon or morning nap now any time I can. Scientific research has discovered that when you sleep the cells of your body actually renew themselves along with disposing of cellular trash and toxic protein substances. Your body actually undergoes repairs and rejuvenation. Factory repairs while you are deep in sleep. OK by me.
Caregiving can be the most monumental and challenging assignment any one individual can take on. It has the very real potential of breaking the health and spirit of many who jump into it without the necessary survivor skills and support partnerships. For me, it has been a positive
life changing pursuit. These are the ways that have changed me for the better.
Jeff Dodson
June 20th 2011
