Be SureTo Tell Her It Was Good!

Last week, while on our way to Costco holiday shopping, my wife and I stopped in at one of our local eateries for lunch.

While there, we became engrossed in a conversation with our server about caregiving and confided in her that pop (my father-in-law), would no longer be eating out with us anymore as he had passed away in October. Our server mentioned that she and her family were also struggling with a family member (her mother-in-law) who is dying at home under Hospice care. It is touch and go as to whether the mother-in-law would make it all the way to Christmas.

The mother-in-law is in only in her 50’s yet she is dying from cancer and other medical complications. As death draws nearer, she appears to have begun hallucinating; that is claiming to have been doing things or involved in tasks or activities that are impossible, given that she is bedridden. The adults in the family have found it easiest to just agree with or play along with whatever imagined event is announced by their loved one. 

Why upset them any more than what they are already suffering from?

Recently, a grandson came to visit the terminally ill grandmother at her bedside. Beforehand, he had been alerted by his mother (our restaurant server) that grandma was now prone to hallucinations and talking about things that had not happened. 

Mother instructed her son: “If she says anything about cooking a big meal for us, tell her it was good!”

Armed with this information, the grandson was ready to do his part in comforting grandma should the need for a  “compassionate white-lie” be required.

In my own mind, I can imagine how the scene played out between the two of them.

Grandma: “You know honey, I spent all morning downstairs in the kitchen cooking up our holiday ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, the vegetables and several pies for that dinner we had tonight. I’m so exhausted now from all of that cooking.”

Grandson: (Thinking back to one of grandma’s lavish and tasty holiday meals a couple of years back), “Yes grandma, I loved your meal. The ham and pies were my favorites, but it was all good!”

Grandma: Oh honey, I’m so glad everything tasted ok and all of you ate your fill. It makes this old lady feel like she still has something to contribute to this family of ours.”

The elderly and the dying deserve the support of their family. And instilling respect for one’s elders in a younger family member will always be one of those right things to teach a child. In this case, though a small white lie was the response to grandma’s declaration of her imagined morning of cooking, the grandson’s comment served to comfort and validate grandma’s earned place within the family. Though on the doorstep of passing away during our holiday season, grandma knows she is loved and appreciated. 

God Bless this grandma, this grandson, and this family.

Jeff Dodson

December 22nd 2014