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In a nursing home or a care facility for the elderly, such recognition, such acknowledgments of a resident by visitors does not happen much at all. Most folks who visit a nursing home are there to see and visit with their own family member, period. On their way from the parking lot, through the entry lobby, proceeding down any number of corridors to their loved ones room, pretty much every senior they walk past are invisible. In plain sight…but not seen.
By my own shameful admittance, I once behaved like that. It was early on with my late mother-in-law who was the first of our family members stricken with Alzheimer’s dementia. In the earliest months of her residency at the Asian Center in South Sacramento, my mission, upon arriving there, was to make a fast beeline to Marian’s room to see her and her alone. It never occurred to me back then to make any kind of effort to acknowledge, to greet or even to offer a nod of recognition to any of the other residents that I would stride right past.
My behavior was that of an uninformed, insensitive individual. Oh sure, I was most interested in getting to Marian’s room and interacting with her. It simply never occurred to me to make any kind of effort to show any kind of compassionate interest in any of the residents between the front door and the door to her room.
Something as apparent as broadening the scope of whom I was going there to be kind and compassionate with was not obvious to me early on. That was in late 2006 and early 2007.
Then a change in my awareness began. It began with a female resident, well into her 90’s, whom I’ll call Helen. Always well groomed and dressed, Helen was typically one of the first residents each morning to arrive in her Meri-walker at the lobby gathering desk. The front lobby desk at this nursing facility formed a 360 degree circle. Kind of like a hollow donut with the staff working in the space within. The early morning sunlight beamed down into this area which made it bright and inviting every morning for chilled or cold-sensitive geriatric bodies. This was, no doubt, why Helen was one of the first arrivals each day. Pick out the best (warmest) spot, then defend it like a lioness.
It was her well groomed appearance and perfectly coiffed hair that first caught my eye. In inquiring about who she was, I learned that Helen’s family came to visit her on a weekly basis and were very fussy about her appearance and how she was turned out in public. Not just about Helen’s appearance. Her family obviously cared a great deal about her and her welfare.
Once morning on my way in to see Marian, I noticed one of the resident CNA’s greeting Helen with an elaborate bowing gesture. Helen, in kind, matched the offering with her own bow of reciprocation, followed by a bright smile. Seeing this struck me out of the blue as something cool.
On my next visit to the Asian Center, I made it a point of looking for Helen to try my hand at greeting her with my own amateur bow. I didn’t see her on that visit or the next. On my next visit after that, Helen was parked in the lobby at her usual perch surveying everyone coming and going. I made a purposeful march down the hall right toward her. As she looked my way, I made a show of stopping, then offering her a bow. She immediately returned the gesture from her walker followed with a smile.
Wow. An ice-breaker with another resident. Just that it took me over 6 months to open my mind up to that simple level of kindness.
From that initial effort with Helen, I later learned that she had established a notoriety for herself at the Asian Center for making at least 2 or 3 half-hearted escape attempts out the front lobby door each day. Helen not only looked well groomed and taken care of, but she was gutsy as well.
Beginning with Helen, I next began to observe and notice other residents on my way in and out of Marian’s room. Offering a simple, “Hello,’’ or a “How are you today?” worked wonders with virtually everyone I made eye contact with.
It was all about validation. That man who comes in here often, notice Me today! He said I looked nice in my bright new robe. Complimented me last week on how pretty my head of silver hair looked.
A basic and fundamental human yearning is to be noticed, to be recognized. A lesson I’m glad I learned some 8 years ago. It served me well for the remainder of Marian’s lifetime at the Asian Center.
Later, in 2010 through 2013, I became a lot more proficient at practicing heartfelt kindness with other residents while visiting with my own parents who were living at the Sherwood Healthcare Center in Sacramento.
One elderly woman who lived at Sherwood, owing to being an active choir member in church in her earlier years, would often break out into spontaneous singing bouts from her hallway wheelchair. This often initiated all sorts of positive and negative reactions from those nearby. I always made it a point when I heard her of walking up to her, kneeling next to her and whispering in her ear of how delightful her singing was. It never failed to bring a broad grin to her face followed by a proud, “Thank You, kind Sir.”
Make the effort to notice others, to greet them warmly or extend a kind compliment. You just never know how big such a little thing like that will be to that other person. Often it will be received as a very big thing.
By God, a kind, perfect stranger noticed Me today!
Jeff Dodson
April 16th 2015
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